A friend's friend is going through a lousy phase- an affair that went awry where neither party was at fault, but they had to split permanently. She's depressed and obsessed with her loss and the endless thought-loop of what-ifs.
I can empathize, being a past master at being unceremoniously dumped. The thing about heartbreak- its an extreme pain lke no other; absolutely no one else can help you with it, no matter how often and how freely you "let it all out" and "share" with Understanding Friends. Absolutely innocuous remarks made in everyday conversation suddenly stab at you because some random phrase or word or idea was associated in your psyche with the lost partner- something you'd laughed about together or made plans of doing or whatever. Its the associations which kill you.
And here's the thing- in the very first few days, the worst aspect of it all is the utter conviction that the ONLY person perfect for you is lost forever, and you're NEVER EVER going to meet anyone who could even begin to measure up to Mr/Ms Perfect-Though-Recently-Departed. That fact alone is enough to make you absolutely inconsolable. And yeah, I could go on and on about the endless number of ways we devise to torture ourselves when we're going through that phase, but I'll just skip to the crux of what my take on the whole thing is.
Firstly, you WILL survive. Guaranteed. You will move on, even though it seems impossible right now. Time WILL heal- they're right, y'know. The bad news is: you have to deal with it and let it take its course. Rebound relationships and self-destructive behaviors and self-recriminations are all different forms of indulgences and you have to steer clear of them.
My personal barometer for quantifying the state of recovey was how long it took for the 1st thought about Ms. Ex floated in, after getting outta bed. In the early days, you stay up tossing and turning in bed thinking of them, and the first thought when you re-emerge into consciousness is that of loss. If you're especially emotionally fragile, and the gods are chortling at your expense, you may even dream about him/her; making it a all a non-stop excruciating exercise. But by and by, you do learn to set your priorities right.
Life Lesson #1: Well, technically, it oughta have been a different post, 1 dedicated solely to the things 1's learnt the hard way and anyway this particular epiphany was somewhat lower down the rankings, but wat the hell....here it is....
"The partner you attract depends on your own stage of personal evolution".
There.
So, it begins with making a conscious choice to cut your losses and stop moping over what was not meant to be. And ya, you do have to make a deliberate choice and repeat it to yourself several dozen times everyday. The self-pity circuits would have already made deep grooves in your mind and you have to erase them in favor of your new state of being. Instead of languishing in misery, you have to choose to haul yourself out of the pit you find yourself in.
It all begins with your making a choice. And believe it or not, you can start the healing process today, here and now, no matter how unreal the prospect of your ever forgetting the person seems.
My favourite story from the Castaneda books- I must've related it about a dozen times each to my inner circle and may possibly be considered a source of rectal discomfort on the issue (if so, apologies in advance, junta)- is the 1 which I used to help me get through what was a very bleak time for me.
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"Once, there was a band of warriors living on a hilltop. Whenever any one of them contravened any of the rules they'd agreed to live by, a council was called to decide his fate. The warrior had to explain his reasons for having done what he did. His comrades had to sit and listen to him; and they either disbanded because they found his reason convincing, or they lined up their weapons ready to execute him because his reason was unacceptable.
After saying goodbye to his comrades, the condemned warrior had to walk down the slope. His comrades aimed at him. If no one shot, he was free. The warrior's personal power affected his comrades. he had to walk calmly, unaffected. His steps had to be sure and firm, his eyes looking straight ahead, peacefully. He had to go down without stumbling, without turning back and above all, without running.
Thus you must wait without looking back, without expecting rewards. Your only chance is your impeccability... You must wait like the warrior's walk in the story. The only difference is in who's aiming at you. You must wait to fulfil your warrior's task without looking back & without expecting rewards; and you must aim all your personal power at fulfilling your tasks. If you don't act impeccably, if you fret and get impatient and desperate, you'll be cut down by the merciless sharpshooters of the unknown."
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Enough said?
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15 comments:
Haha, doc,,,, u've got ppl spamming in ur comments! :p
I think u've mailed me this one before,,,, but felt good reading it again,,, but then agn, always been a sucker for the tales u churn out :P
My mail to u is still due....... but then agn, here i am, working at lab on a sunday afternoon,,, tht shud pretty much be self-explanatory for my pathetic correspondence skills et al :(
Soon, doc... soon..
luv :)
S.
Tales I churn out....junior, that's a back-handed compliment if I ever heard 1. Well, I was at work on sunday afternoon too when I posted this, so yr excuse don't hold no water. And c'mon, how tuff can a simple mail on the major differences be? I mean, d'ya miss the things we take for granted out here- cattle on roads, vegetable vendor "rehdis" ....y'know, the stndrd stuff? How's the junta? warm? indifferent? How're u fighting off the blond jocks?
Dr Saab,
What a morning with a cup of tea n this nice write up.I dnt want to loose my eyesight while reading it neither i dnt have a lens to magnify words,Kindly workout on font size n color as well.
I liked the Warrior story as usual i did in Rapar.Put something fresh n motivating, something never thought.Humour, ideas..Anything.......
Dr Saab,
Ur name shud be "SSHAMANWRITTESS".. bet me u wud earn a lot of readers here..Thanks Usha Ji.. iloved the word" Poetic Honeymoon"..
By the way today's fav quite is by Thomas Jefferson..Not by whose name is there in post..
A few points come to mind. I hope I am not misunderstood as being insensitive by those who know the pangs of lost love.
1. When someone whom you thought was "perfect" for you walks away like that it is pretty obvious that the other party did not share your vision of the perfection of the relationship. So the assumption of perfection itself was flawed to start with don't you think? So in stead of measuring future candidates against this benchmark, the vision of perfection needs a rethink - that is step number 1.
2.Rebound relationships are actually good in that you do not waste your time of a lost cause and "move on" - provided, you do not go and propose to the next available person.
3. When you are haunted by these memories of the so called "good times" try to see how much of it was actually a creation of your own imagination. the feel good factor created by magical visions of spending the rest of life together in a poetic honeymoon. Then you will see that a major proportion of what constitutes these memories is actually "wishful thinking"
and then it is easier to get over.
My 2 rupee worth!
And I think there is so much beautiful poetry that has made this "lost love" situation very kitschy and some of us revel being in it and look and feel like "devdas"
Bloody hell! Bleddy spammers- apparently e-mails and cellfones aren't enough for them; they have to turn up in blogs as well!
Usha, yes, I agree with u absolutely on the "good times memories" funda- they're yet more phantoms of the brain. But the thing about getting over someone is; u can rationalize all u like but the emotions have a malicious will of their own. My objective advice to this particular person would be- WAKE UP! Yes, shit happens. Yes, life's unfair. But the misery you're immersed in is your own construct. Acknowledge the fact that you actually are choosing to make y'self unhappy. You can work equally hard at making y'self complete and nurture your spirit. You know all the tools required to cope are available to you, inside y'self. Make that one conscious act in full awareness that you're not going to be defeated by something that wasn't meant to be. You're a child of the universe and accordingly, have the duty to treat y'self as sacred & exalted.
Rebound relationships- its my personal opinion that my friend, the one whose shoulder she's leaning on, is the one person she might use as a lifeline. She couldn't possibly have asked for a better friend than this man. If nothing else, she must acknowledge this and be thankful for his being himself.
Then again, like I said, the whole thing about heartbreak is that intellectual insights don't translate well into feeling better, unless you CHOOSE to do so- again and again and again- thousands of times everyday till the negative thought-loops in your brain are overwritten by the awareness of all there is to live for.
And finally, Ush hit the nail bang on- ultimately, the operative word is kitsch.
Suneil, what the fuck happened to the spelling of y'r name? Don't tell me u're going the filmi route- juggling random letters for numerological reasons! Come over, I'll give u enough inspiration over a couple of drinks to last u several months.
I dont know you but thank you for the advice...this will help me get through this
Glad u found something in this, anon.
Thanks for this Malik, I think you are spot and and it definitely helps! Nearly one year on, I'm still suffering badly...
I also agree that for as long as we only remember the positives, we are basically putting our lives on hold, pretty damn stupid thing to do. To anyone in this kind of pain, and by God, does it hurt!, if you HAVE to look back, remember the bad bits, and be brutally honest about them. You may come to the conclusion it just wasn't worth it.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE PEOPLE IN YOUR PAST: THERE'S A REASON THEY DON'T MAKE IT TO YOU FUTURE... ;-)
Thanks again!
This is both very helpful, and soothingly poetic. I can't stress how much you seem to understand what this is like for me, so Thanks.
to malik! you are right in your comment but sometimes when we go through a heartbreak, we forget reality and reeding your comment helped me to come back to reality so i thank you for that.
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need help
really hurting if anyone can help
i was talk to this guy i really like but didnt want to make it a "relationship" yet. i have been hurt so many time by everyone in my life my dad left me for his new family so i was afraid that this boy would leave me
anyways i really did like this boy i work with him and everything i saw him i had the smile and i got tunge tied and i couldnt think straight he was amazing.
anyway he wanted us to be in a good strong relationship but i was scared so i kept tell him to give me time and it would happen
well one day i had to take him home from work and we started aruging. he kept saying that he wanted to be with me and that he did care about me and that he would never hurt me and that he would be there for me and i just told him "i dont know im scared" that all i said i sat there in the car stareing out the window at the rain falling and said" i dont know im scared"
he got so mad and and yell at me "I LOVE YOU AND I WOULD NEVER HURT YOU" the first time that i have ever heard i love you said to me and he told me i didnt know what to say to him i just sat there he kept waiting to see if i would say anything....and then he said that he couldnt do this anymore and if i changed my mind to call him and get got out of the car and went in his house and i drove away
after that night i never called him i didnt know what to do i was lost and he got tried of waiting for me he moved on found someone a month later and two months of three months of them being together she found out she was having a baby with him
i found out at work from another work that he was having a baby and i fainted they had to carry me to the break room after that day i found out the i had made the biggest mistake of me life
letting him go
because i was in love with him
i quit me job because i didnt want to see him or her coming in and shopping together for baby clothes or other items or her pregenant or anything about them i loved that job
i went back to my old job about a week later to drop off all my items and everyone keep telling me that he keeps saying that he made a mistake and that he didnt love this girl and that if he didnt knock her up he wouldnt be with him and i didnt kno what to say to them
them he walk by me as i was leaving and told me goodbye and gave me a hug i will never for get it because i went out to my car and cried.
i think it was about two months later i was talking to a friend of mine that workes at my old job and she said that he keeps saying that he isnt happy and that we wished it never happened and i told her i feel the same was i wish i would have told him that i loved him to that night he told me
she told he that it wasnt to late and that i should tell him how i felt the worst he could do was say no and turn me down but also i would have it off me chest
and i did i wrote him a long note and gave it to him and let him read it after he read it he told me he didnt know what to say
he say that it was the most sweetest thing anyone has ever said to him
he told me that he would love to try it again with me but hehas so much going on right now in his life and i said i understand
but he told me to keep in touch
last friday they had there baby and i cried that could heave been me with him i could have had a femily with him and he would have been actually happy
i dont know how to get over him i am so in love with him and i dont want to move on i hurt so bad i cry myself to sleep i think about him 24/7
i miss him
please help me someone
if anyone can give me some good advise please do thank you
How do I start? Why do I? I'm not really sure, but just writing this down might go someway to easing the pain, not a very apt word for the torture that I do to myself every day that this situation has been going on. The physical pain is too much to bear, the continuous tightening of the stomach, the dizzy spells every now and again when the thought of such utter loss kicks in.
We've been together for ten years now. Even before we met I knew this was the woman for me. It's hard to explain but a couple of weeks before, I had broken up with a casual affair because I felt I was cheating on, who was to eventually be my wife.
The first couple of weeks were incredibly amazing. I lived in a small cottage flat, we have passed by it a few times since and each of us commented on the beautiful, magical time spent there. I was so much in wonder when I read on my bathroom mirror the morning after she spent the first night there, the words 'Sharon was here' encircled in a heart. It stayed on there the whole time I stayed at the flat.
Our working days seperated us, but only as a pause in the passion and love that followed every other moment of the day.
I could write pages of how much she means to me, how beautiful, etc...but I'm sure you get the picture. She is my real soul mate!
Ten years have passed by....
Only 3 weeks ago we were lying in our bed, a few kisses, and each of us saying 'I love you sweetheart' The usual routine for us, sometimes followed by lovemaking, sometimes just a cuddle. Enough to feel comfort and warmth of each other. Then we'd watch some TV and fall asleep content just being near each other, some nights even holding hands in bed.
But now everything has changed.
We haven't slept together for 3 weeks. She continues to sleep downstairs, despite I imagine it being incredibly uncomfortable. Sometimes we go for a couple of days without seeing each other. I have a spare room with my guitars, music and laptop. It's where I am sitting now writing this. She is downstairs in the living room. I don't think we'll cross paths tonight. I just sit here night after night and hope against all hope that she will come in, say this is so foolish and want to hold me again.
But it has been three weeks and it hasn't happened.
I have been to her. I have tried to understand her point of view. I've told her she is right, even though I know she doesn't understand that her actions lead to this. I've told her how much she means to me, that I don't think I could face a lifetime apart from her. That the very thought of living apart from her is unimaginable.
She replies each time with 'I don't see how it will work'.
We have argued, tried to reconcile, even talked whilst both sharing a bath. That didn't lead to anywhere. I was hoping she might want to share the bed. I could take things as slow as she wanted to. I only wanted some sort of move in the right direction. Something positive like a little 'I love you', but she couldn't say it.
And then she came out with the killer blow the other night. She doesn't think she loves me anymore. ????? She doesn't think this will work out. She has assured me that there isn't anyone else involved. She wouldn't even think of being with anyone else. She just wants me to get sorted, get my things together, and start looking for a flat. She knows it's going to take time but she has agreed to me living at the house until I could afford and realistically find a way of moving out.
So i sit here. I haven't a clue which way to turn. I try to thrash my emotions out on the guitar, but it is never enough. Each song I try to listen to is just not quite right. I come home from work and just yearn for someone to talk to. Instead I wander into the kitchen, make a coffee and head up to the spare room wher I remain until it's time to sleep. I then wake up, alone, make coffee, get ready for work, maybe some mornings I might catch sight of her and say 'see you later?'. Each day seems an endless nightmare of emotions, hiding my thoughts from everyone who asks, pretending that everything is really ok...the number of times I've been asked.
I can't keep pretending to my work collegues, my friends and my family that everything is ok. Because it isn't. It's not ok, and I just want to...I don't know...I want everything to be just as it was three weeks ago. But it isn't and I don't think it ever will be.
Such a stupid little argument over nothing has created all of this unhappiness and sheer misery. If it means me moving out to give her happiness, then I have no choice but to start packing. I just can't help feeling that this is such a bad mistake. Life can't be this cruel. Surely there must be some mistake, it all seems so dreamlike, and yet I don't seem to be waking up from this...
In writing this I have managed to occupy a little time. I have stopped trembling a little, my stomach still feels tight, or is that just because I haven't been able to eat a meal for the last three weeks? I'll finish this off and get to my pointless existence. You know the one where there is no future, nothing to look forward to except loneliness, knowing I had the love of my life....only to lose her. Maybe I'll manage to sleep without having to cuddle up to her pillow. I can still smell her on it, so I'll not part with it.
I'll try...and just hope that all she needs is a bit of time.
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